Reading and reflecting recently on how people talk to one another, here are some recent observations of mine on how people share and address the impartiality/personal aspect of conversation. Most of David Brooks’ people of character, from his new book The Road to Character, likely fall into the “Quiet” category of mine.
The academic gold-standard is impartiality– to appear impersonal and objective, presenting only the facts. But this is not the mode that most of us interact in, which is perfectly reasonable.
Most of us are affected by and drawn to personal stories, things that resonate with our own experiences. In books, these are novels and memoirs.
I’ve noticed that there are (seem to be) three ways most of us deal with impartiality/personal when speaking, and I think most of us shift between each one though one may tend to dominate.
- The Know it All – Impartial as attempt to impress, appear objective and knowledgeable
- This is so evident in young people, especially ambitious young people (I can get pretty embarrassed when I think about how often I’ve here) who will happily prattle on about all the things he or she knows or has done or plans to accomplish.
- Other times, this surfaces through excessive criticism.
- The goal, often unconscious, is to appear learned and accomplished from an objective point of view while hiding the inner self.
- Ironically, it stems from a place of insecurity, of wanting very badly to be liked and appear well before others. Older and mature people see through it right away, but are often very charitable and encouraging.
- That being said, the insights and criticisms can be very accurate, though not always.
- The Know-It-All is less a fault than a stepping stone in a path of growth.
- The Personal – When we becoming willing to show our selves
- At some point, most of us become willing to share our true selves, our actual opinions and experience without overt regard to its appearance to others.
- Here or elsewhere, we realize that even objective information is filtered through our own experience, so even when we try to be impersonal, it is often more revealing and personal than we realize.
- This is how we share with those close to us. Sometimes, public figures will share in this way. But most often, actors and politicians will keep it to the Know-it-All or be a totally the closed-book.
- Sometimes, this personal share loses an appropriateness filter and we can ramble on and on about ourselves and our experiences without enough regard to the actual subject of the conversation
- This is a normal mode, at least sometimes, in most people. It can be both deeply illuminating or shallow and myopic.
- The Quiet – Speaks when necessary
- The quiet person has learned that wrongly-placed or careless speech can be incredibly damaging.
- This person weighs the entire situation: the participants, their temperaments, the social setting, before adding his or her voice
- This quiet one is no longer concerned with the approval of others and uses his or her speech to clarify necessities, put others at ease, or add something edifying without regard for getting credit for it
- The quiet person may actually speak quite a lot if it is called for in the situation, but it will always be in balance.